Hm Captain SAFETY ////

Becoming A Super Hero

Write your super name on a piece of paper and put this on your chest

Being exposed to radiation is not a particularly good way to gain superpowers. If you won't take my word for it, just ask the superheroes who have used this method in the past - Captain Leukaemia, The Meltdown Man, Mr. Low Sperm count, Ms. Low Sperm Count, The Inside-Out Man, The Incredible Cancer Victim or The Portentous Blotch.

Deciding on a Superhero name :

  • Don't call yourself by your real name, e.g. Mr Fred Pinchuck, The Amazing Stevie Foster.
  • Don't call yourself by someone else's real name, e.g. Mr Teddy Kennedy, Captain Dean Martin.
  • Choose a name that suggests power, heroism, and prowess, e.g. Captain Power, Thunderman, Mr. Invincible, Justiceman.
  • But don't labour the point, e.g. Mr. So-F***ing-Powerful-Don't Even-Think-About-It-Buddy.
  • Don't be too modest, e.g. Mr Pretty Good, Captain So-So, Fairly Incredible Man.
  • Don't choose a name detrimental to your crimefighting image, e.g. Captain Spongecake, Mr Asshole, Yellow Streak, Purple Helmet, Captain Evil, Dr. Shit-For-Brains.
  • Don't choose a name with a sexual double meaning. For example, AC/DC man is not good name for a man with electrical powers.
  • Don't choose the name of an existing superhero unless you have lots of money and enjoy fighting litigation instead of supervillains.
  • It's no use calling yourself Captain Invincible if your only power is control over Hostess Twinkies and you suffer from a congenital hole-in-the-heart condition; it's just asking for trouble.
  • Don't call yourself The Invisible Boy...if you're not.
  • Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy...if you're a girl.
  • Don't call yourself the Invisible Lady...if you're a man - even if you do feel like a woman trapped in a man's body.
  • Don't give away any important information in your name, e.g. The Glass Jaw, Captian Vulnerable to Strontium 90.
  • Don't call yourself The Green Avenger if you wear an orange costume, you'll confuse people.

To help you do this you can go to the following website and use the The automatic Hero Name Generator.

Sidekicks - Advantages of a Boy Wonder

  • They can watch your back in the thick of a fight.
  • They can carry your accessory belt if you're feeling lazy.
  • They make you look taller and hunkier by comparison.
  • They're small and supple enough to wriggle out of their bonds and free you from Puffinmaster's diabolical death trap just in time!
  • They're just about the right height for headbutting or biting a super villain in the nuts - which makes them a force to be feared in the criminal underworld!
  • They're someone you can explain the plot to for the benefit of particularly slow readers.
  • They can give your comic a vital sales boost - simply by getting themselves killed.
  • When they die, you have an excuse to go on a protracted frenzied rampage of violent revenge - and keep those sales figures high!

Disadvantages of a Boy Wonder

  • They'd much rather stay in and play Nintendo than go out on patrol.
  • They get shy and awkward when confronted by a female supervillain.
  • They pick their noses when you're with the Police Commissioner.
  • They want to wear a Walkman into combat.
  • People talk...
  • A 13-year-old boy is no match for a 210lb criminal sociopath with a death-ray glare.
  • They go into a sulk if you won't play a twelve-day game of 'Dungeons & Dragons' with them.
  • They embarrass you by whistling at girls out of the Crimemobile.
  • They never tidy up after themselves in the Crimecave, so the whole place quickly gets littered with dirty t-shirts, comics, skateboards, apes, discarded bubblegum, catcher's mitts, smelly socks, half-eaten candy bars, half-finished model cars, long forgotten packets of contraceptives bought in a moment of supreme bravado and overconfidence, dirty plates, CDs out of their cases, porn mags, tubes of acne cream, and crumpled tissues.
  • They don't wash, so they smell.
  • They think it's funny to suddenly fart in public.
  • They can easily be taunted by supervillains into bursting into tears and running off - simply by pointing and shouting, "Virgin, Virgin! Look everybody, there's a virgin Boy Wonder over here!"
  • They'll quite happily play football in the midst of $20 million worth of delicate criminology lab equipment.
  • They get carsick in the Crimemobile.
  • In the midst of battle, it's futile to yell, "Battle Plan 18, chum!" - because chances are they can't count up that high.
  • They call you things like 'The Big Enchillada' or 'Super-Dude'.
  • They get zits and look real unsightly.
  • They think your bald spot is hilarious.
  • They talk crap.
  • They make you feel very old.

Advantages of a Girl Wonder

  • They look much better than a Boy Wonder.
  • People don't automatically assume that you're, you know, that way...
  • Overall, they're much more intelligent and mature than boys of the same age.
  • People think you must be OK to be seen in the company of such a hot babe.
  • Supervillains get dead jealous of you.
  • You might get lucky.

Disadvantages of a Girl Wonder

  • They're always holding slumber parties in the Crimecave.
  • One tiny zit and they're out of action for at least two weeks.
  • They insist on having at least a dozen different costumes to wear.
  • They won't fight crime if some boy band is on MTV.
  • They won't fight crime if they're waiting for a phonecall.
  • Other superheroes will try to steal her away from you.
  • They kill people when they're premenstrual.
  • They jam up the Emergency Crime Hotline with calls to Tammi, Samantha, Jo-Jo, Mindy, Mandi, Shelley, Bernice, Pam, Tina, Linda, Sandy, Crissy, the Berkowitz Twins--and Jim.
  • If you receive an emergency call at 2am and their hair's in curlers - forget it!
  • They're no use for fighting Tarantula Man or Rat Master.
  • Their approach to fighting supervillains tends to be strictly limited to pulling his hair, slapping his face, or hitting him with a shoe.
  • They get crushes on your arch enemy because "He's like so totally dark and mysterious and mean and moody - but that's only 'cause someone must've really hurt him bad one time. I can tell.. Etc. etc."
  • They won't watch your back in combat if you failed to notice their new hair style.
  • They get upset if you and your arch enemy start shouting at each other during battle.

Supervillains You Want to Tackle

  • Sandwich Maker.
  • Baron Scaredy-Cat.
  • The Crochet Master.
  • Mr. White Knuckles.
  • Nosebleed Boy.
  • Dr. Scared Shitless.
  • Bondage Damsel.
  • Sissy Man.
  • Fellatio Lass.

Supervillains to Avoid

  • Emitorr - the Nuclear Radiation Man.
  • Thargorr the Planet Crusher.
  • Dr. Slaughterhouse.
  • Garth, the Gonad Detonator Supreme.
  • Dr. Disemboweller.
  • The Slasher From Beyond the Stars.
  • Krisparr the Incinerator.
  • Sun-Up, the Solar Sodomizer.
  • Fellatio Lad.
  • Mr. Rip-Your-Nuts-Off-And-Eat-Them-In-Front-Of-You.

Good Things to Put Down Your Tights Before Battle

  • Titanium steel plating.
  • Electronic groinal defence shield.
  • Socks (they sexually intimidate insecure supervillains).
  • Acid-resistant gonad shroud.
  • Asbestos fire-blanket.
  • Electromagnetic scrotal forcefield generator.
  • Love Blob auto-security screen.
  • Genital-seeking missile repulsor unit.
  • Bulletproof penile shaft armour.
  • Your Girl Wonder's hands.
  • Your Girl Wonder's head.
  • All of the above, simultaneously.

Bad Things to Put Down Your Tights Before Battle

  • Glass jockstrap.
  • Epileptic lobsters.
  • Bear trap with a dodgy spring.
  • Napalm.
  • 5lbs of wriggling cockroaches (unless it intimidates supervillains).
  • 4 gallons of quick-drying cement.
  • Your barbed-wire collection.
  • Your stuffed porcupine lucky mascot.
  • Strawberry jam.
  • Genital-seeking missile.
  • Your Boy Wonder's hands.
  • Your Boy Wonder's head.
  • A piece of modern sculpture consisting entirely of razor blades.

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