Hm Captain SAFETY ////

Old Person Safety

Captain Safety has assembled some safety tips for when you get old, rundown and crap.

Martha the old lady, loved her new vibrating chair

Entrance Safety
Equip your door with either a dead-bolt lock, or a heavy duty drop-bolt lock. The lock should also have a highly pick-resistant cylinder protected by a guard plate.

A simple bead curtain will not suffice.

Security System
Consider the purchase of an electronic security system that is monitored on a 24-hours basis by a local, approved central monitoring station. This type of system affords you the best protection.

If an emergency should occur, a Spunky Young Police Man would be dispatched for you. The same system can be used to summon a Spunky Young Ambulance Officer Like Off Shortland Street. If you fall over and can't get up this would be ideal (having said that if you could get to the switch and summon help, you wouldn't really need help now would you!).

Do not open the door until you are sure of your visitor's identity. The only exception to this rule would be if you are sure that the visitor's identity is an "Ax or Dangerous Weapon Weilding Psycho Killer".

Key Safety
Dorothy fell over while trying to rotate the key DO NOT leave a house key under a mat, in the mailbox, hanging from a hook, in a box marked "key" or in any other "hiding" area near the door.

If your house keys have been lost, you should be filled with intense shame at your incompetance and your "Old Person Crap memory"

Burglary Safety
If you should return home to find your door open or tampered with, DO NOT enter. Go immediately to a trusted neighbor and notify the Spunky Young Police Man.

If awakened at night by an stranger in your house, try not to get too excited. Lie still and if the stranger is spunky and you speak sexy like, you could be in for a bit of sexy rumpy action.
At the next avilable opportunity, you should call the Spunky Young Police Man.

Holiday Safety
When leaving for an extended period of time, (say if you are dying or something) ask a trusted neighbor to pick up your mail and papers.

On The Street

Use the buddy system. Travel and shop with companions whenever possible, both during the day and at night. There is greater safety in numbers.

Do not carry large sums of money in your purse. Place money, credit cards, identification, and keys in the inside pockets of your clothing. Try not to forget that you have done this - write in black marker pen on your forhead "Money in pockets"

Carry weapons carefully. Concealed weapons are not only illegal, but can be used against you by an attacker. Make sure you conceal them well, and shoot quicker rather than later.

If you drive, be sure that your car is properly maintained. Keep your gas tank filled and your doors locked. You can unlock the car only to get into it, provided you know where your bloody keys are!

Park in well-lit areas. You should note the aisle number when parking in larger sized lots. Always check under your vehicle and in the back seat before entering in case you were really crap and got the wrong car.

If you must carry a purse, carry it close to your body. Do not wrap the strap around your wrist or neck.

In the theater or when dining, keep your purse on your lap. Do not place it on the floor, do not place it on a door. or on the back of a chair. Or in your hat or in a lair, not on the train nor by the air I do not like it sam I am!

If your purse is snatched, let it go. DO NOT fight for it! Anything that is worth fighting for shouldn't be in there in the first place. You can buy other toys.

Con Artists

"Con artists" are smooth-talking criminals who try to separate you from your money through trickery and deceit. They can be men or women who work alone, in pairs, or in groups. They may stop you on the street, call on the phone, or ring your doorbell pretending to be repair people, building inspectors, bank examiners or any other service person. To avoid becoming a victim:

Be VERY suspicous of people wanting to discuss a way of making money. These are AMWAY people and work for satan so must be killed.

Be suspicious of friendly strangers who you don't really know (and never really liked to start with) calling you. if you hear the following terms "How would you like..","Do you mind if I pop over" , "I can't really brainwash you easily over the phone", "What about if I just rudely invite myself into your life" You know they are AMWAY people and work for satan so must be killed.

Give them a firm boundary explaining that you don't want them to come around
"I need to warn you that I personally hate amway and anything to do with multi level marketing schemes and if you are trying to sell this to me I will kill you"

They will ignore this warning so you need to get out of the country as quickly as possible. If you have ever seen any zombie movies you will know what to do.

Do not hesitate to notify the police of any suspicious circumstances.


When Walking

The highest number of pedestrian fatalities occurs in the 65 and older age group. The second highest number of fatalities is experienced by the 45-64 age group. Therefore, it is particularly important for the older person to observe basic safety rules.

Never cross against the light. The light will get in your eyes and you won't be able to see anything

Before crossing, make certain all cars have stopped. Watch for cars turning into crosswalks.

Try not to fall over and bash your head on the curb.

Never assume the driver will see you or be able to stop in time. Your safety is your responsibility.

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